Reaching Out

Words are powerful, and every now and then you come across a prose, a song or a book that makes you understand their power even more. Recently a lot has been on my mind, and it has been difficult to find a common theme to bring these myriad thoughts together to form something readable. I begin to write and then I drift away in my thoughts. On many occasions I have found the 'outside world' more engrossing. Not to mention that these days most of my 'thinking' is done while running. I have been shying away from the effort a little too, or maybe its too many diverse themes to my thoughts, but I have stayed away from this web space. And then recently I read Haruki Murakami's book and the words resonated with me in many different ways...

... No matter how much I write, I never reach a conclusion. And no matter how much I rewrite, I never reach the destination ...

Unable to find a worthy subject to dedicate myself to.

! Decide

FYI for those of you who want to pick up this hobby.

              de·cide/diˈsīd/Verb.Come to a resolution in the mind as a result of consideration.

Now and again I feel the need to come here. True I can maintain a diary for all my random and berserk ideas and save you guys some trouble, but what fun would it be? Plus, it feels good when I get thumbs down for my post - its an indication for me to move on from my 'current' madness.

The theme of my rantings today is decision making. If I could help it, I would just become a robot and let someone govern me. Decisions - every day, every second and each one of them of consequence. Leave the dinner choices for now, and you are still stuck with more questions than you can answer.

Decide what I like and what I don't. Decide if I should go get a job or am I are good in school. Decide whether I value my sleep more than my work. Decide if I value my work. Decide if I like my work. Decide if my not-so-fat paycheck is plenty. Decide if I am okay with others making more moolah then me. Decide if I care about money. Decide if I am okay with being just another one in the crowd sweating it out for money. Decide if I should set new goals for myself. Decide if I will care about these goals one year down the line. Decide if quitting my status quo would be too much trouble and I should just stick around. Decide if I care about the 'loser' tag my friends will attach to me if I do leave. Decide if I have it in me to change the 'loser' into a 'winner'. Decide if I care enough to stick to my goals and the change I just made. Decide if my gut feeling is the way to go. Decide why no one else sees eye to eye with me. Decide if everything I do is 'worth it'. Decide if it anything is 'worth it'. Decide if anyone is 'worth it'. And finally decide how often I want to make these decisions. Because even though I indulge in 'overthinking', if there exists such a thing, even after a lot of consideration, my pea sized brain is often unable to reach conclusions. Tired and worn out, it just goes off to sleep waiting for a new day to begin. And on those days of rare clarity, I decide that the only thing that matters is being in action. Comprehending and acting of everything else is more than my abilities.

On a related note, you might find this talk by Noreena Hertz interesting.

Destiny's Child

It was one of those fall days, the time of the year when the chill in the gentle breeze, as it touches the skin, makes you shiver. At the same time the golden rays of the October sun hit your face and take away the cold, leaving behind a feeling of warmth that soon settles down deep in your heart. It has this amazing effect of uplifting your mood. The only side effects of this otherwise perfect weather is a sudden lack of concentration and an uncontrollable smile on your face.

As he made his way to his destination on that morning, he decided to walk a route he had never taken before. For the past twenty years, day after day, he had walked the same dusty road. He could walk the road blindfolded and avoid all the potholes. A hundred people took that road everyday and yet no one had bothered to repair those ditches. Over the years, he had become friends with many a passers-by, people he would greet with a smile each morning and evening. Maybe it was these familiar faces - making the present feel easy and secure or those sweet childhood memories of running down the road with his dad - a way of keeping the past alive, that prevented him from walking a different road. Whatever it was, he had never had a  reason to change his course.

Only today did a thought tinker in his head - he wanted to stray away from his usual course. A road took off from the one he walked everyday. There was no particular reason why he had stayed away from this path. It was one of those many things in your life you don't think about. In his head, that road just wasn't meant to be taken everyday, and maybe thats why it looked so appealing this Saturday morning. It seemed to lead in a different direction, and he wasn't sure how many people strayed that way. He had no idea where it lead, but even in this age of technology he didn't want to track his course. He wanted it to be a surprise, the adventurer in him suddenly wide awake. He wanted to explore the trail, lined on both sides with trees that seemed to reach the sky. Moreover, it was difficult to deny the invitation of those fiery red hues on the ground.

Mind made up, he changed his course and as he stepped on the ground, the crunch of the leaves beneath his foot broke into his heart. He could feel the layers peeling off. The morning haze at a distance prevented him from seeing far into the distance. But he didn't mind, there was a lot to survey in his proximity. Every sense in his lean body was indulged in taking in the surroundings and his heart was busy assimilating it.

No artist could have ever done justice to the brilliant colors in the trees. Sun rays were trying to break through the canopy above him, lighting up the path golden. He would have the image in his mind forever. Something about the place made him feel cozy and at peace. The restlessness of his everyday life had lifted. He did not realize when his walk turned into a jog. He looked from side to side, something exciting him no end, and yet his eyes could only see the never ending lines of trees.  As he walked on his heart beat started rising, as if he was onto discovering something big. With the pounding in his heart in sync with his footsteps, he started running. There was no knowing where he was headed, how long the road was and what might stop him in his way. He just ran, without any care. He knew if this was to the end now, even if he never ran again, he would be a content man. The untouched leaves told him he was the first one this season to take this road, and he was grinning from ear to ear. He just ran, and ran, and ran.

The smile on his face was still intact when he reached his destination. And all he did was kneel down on the dewy grass and cry.

Center and Focus

Earth revolves around the sun. The moon revolves around the earth and in the process revolves around the sun. But I am not on a quest to prove that I am smarter than a fifth grader. I am here to wonder aloud, yet again.

Do you ever feel that you are taking one step forward and two steps back? I feel that often, that is if I am going anywhere at all. And most of the time, I am just moving in circles. Talking about feelings, I feel we all move in circles. There is a center to our lives which is often fixed by us, and sometimes by our circumstances. But by no means would I say that these centers are fixed. They change - sometimes in a moment and sometimes it takes forever.

As a kid our world is centered around all those fun things that our parents wouldn't allow us to do. We have your crayons, our Lego blocks, our dolls, our miniature cars, our video games and our cartoon network to worry about. Every day, every hour and every wish involves these treasures. Goals and accomplishments are defined in terms of these baubles. Each laugh and each cry is the result of our accomplishments and how much closer we are to our goals.

I call them baubles now because they don't hold the same value anymore. The center of my world has shifted. It has been through many changes actually. I have heard (can't cite my experiences here since I don't have any!) that it does happen to everyone. The center moves, from parents to friends, to work, to bikes and cars and a home, to the person you build a home with, to kids, to travel and so on. Do you think we can have more than one? Or would that be a blunder? Am I wrong in calling it a center when it is just one of the focus. Could my life be an ellipse and not a circle? I am trying to find the answer, figure out where I am centered or focused right now.

Peace

Not calling me often, forgetting my birthday, taking away my favorite ice cream, making me wait for an hour in the scorching summer of Delhi, interrupting me mid-sentence, bitching about a friend of mine, being rude unnecessarily, disagreeing with me etc. are the various reasons I have picked up a fight. On almost all these occasions I have felt that my anger is justified. But then two hours later, after I have had the time to think things over, I realize the stupidity in fighting over these issues. In almost all the cases, the other person has a valid explanation. There are always two sides to a coin and in the moment of anger I forget to look at the other one.

Result: unnecessary unpleasantness

Thus, this whole exercise is a waste of energy and unnecessary rise in my blood pressure. Great health risk if you ask me! For a short tempered person like me its even worse- it happens so often! There is a lingering feeling of anger till five minutes after the fight. Five hours later, the whole episode leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I cool down soon enough. The underlying reason for these fights are generally not worth it - rarely justifying missing out on the good times. And with so much at stake I am left with no option but to apologize. The kind hearted people that I fight with, forgive me most of the times. Well sometimes others apologize too, and then I forgive them :) So I have decided to avoid these episodes altogether. It might get boring like the too-good-to-be-true happy families from Sooraj Barjatya's movies, but I am trying to get there nevertheless. Forgive and forget is the new rule

Still Wondering...

दो पल मिलते हैं साथ -साथ चलते हैं
जब मोड़ आये तो बचके निकलते हैं
कितने अजीब रिश्ते हैं यहाँ पे...

यहाँ सभी अपनी ही धुन में दीवाने हैं
करें वोही जो अपना दिल ठीक माने है|
कौन किसको पूछे? कौन किसको बोले?
सबके लबों पर अपने तराने हैं|
ले जाए नसीब किसको कहाँ पे
कितने अजीब रिश्ते हैं यहाँ पे...

खाबों की ये दुनिया है खाबों में ही रहना है
राहें ले जायें जहाँ संग- संग चलना है|
वक्त ने हमेशा यहाँ नए खेल खेले
कुछ भी हो जाए यहाँ बस खुश रहना है|
मंजिल लगे करीब सबको यहाँ पे
कितने अजीब रिश्ते हैं यहाँ पे...

This song was written by Sandeep Nath and Ajay Jhingran for Madhur Bhandarkar's movie Page 3. Lata Mangeshkar's rendering of the song strikes a cord. But I wonder about the veracity of these lines. Sometimes they appear as the rantings of a cynic and sometimes true. I have not been to make up my mind though...

But it Rained

Its raining in Bangalore. Actually this is the third time this week. The weather is so good, I want to shift my computer next to an open window. With a cup of hot tea on my table, I want to enjoy the cool air and the mild fragrance of wet earth which I so love.

I have just come back from the cafeteria, having lusted after the overcast skies, wet roads and newly washed trees for around an hour. A thousand memories- images from yesteryear's flashed in front of my eyes in this past hour.

I remember how my mom used to scold me for playing with friends in pouring rain. It used to be so good, surely gross, to jump in puddles of water. Finally when mom managed to get me inside the house, I would be sneezing and she would push me inside the hot shower with a towel and a change of clothes. That hot shower would remove the chill from the body and a cup of hot chocolate would be waiting for me on the table. I would pick it up and stand on the doorstep. Some tiny drops would bounce off the side wall and land on my face.

While preparing for IIT JEE in eleventh and twelfth standard rains used to be a welcome break. A reason for me to take my nose out of the book and take in the sweet smell of first rains. The scorching summers of Delhi used to make it even more special. I would sit on the entrance to the garden and see the grass slowly disappearing in the waters. The leaves and branches of the trees would relieve their parching throats, bending and submitting themselves to the heavy downpour. Sometimes, overwhelmed, a branch or two would break and fall down on the street. And I would just ask mom for some samosas, cheela or pakoras. It would refresh me for another week to be spent inside my room with my books.

And now, I am sitting in an enclosure which does not even have windows to enjoy the view. This centrally air-conditioned building has glass walls and no windows. The only place where I can sit and enjoy is the cafeteria at the other end of the building! Still I find my own ways.

I have always enjoyed the rains, and will continue to do so. In the present circumstances it will require extra efforts from me, a closed concrete jungle that I am living in. I do not in the least bit mind though - anything for that refreshing feeling and that breathtaking beauty of nature that comes with the rains. It can magically pull me away from everything else around me, and make me forget everything... everything!

A Billion Beauty Queens

Do they have the right to bomb any place they like on Earth? Certainly not...but who will stop them?

Like so many of you even I am against war, or any other heinous crime against the human race. But, war is a reality that we tend to forget. It is struggle for survival, rooted in the human rage, jealousy and violence. A peek into the history of Earth can substantiate my statement. Since ancient times we have been fighting for varied causes. Wars for independence, for food, lands plundered and destroyed for colonization and sheer show of power. Truth is - violence is a drug, and it is difficult to get rid of the addiction.

For some weird reason man has as urge to control. Not his own life, but that of others. Self control doesn't seem to manifest power. The might of mightiest is in annexing and capturing others, the losses that entail are hardly ever considered. He who was once opressed fights against his suppressors and frees himself. He spends some time fixing his life. Before he is able to do so, he realizes that he needs a hundred things to improve his condition, not all of which are available that easily. So what does he do now? Drop the thought of having his wish fulfilled? Should he think of something new that might be more readily available? Wait, there is one more option, that tiny thing out there, was boasting about it the other day. Amazing! His purpose is served. He enters the house forcefully, beats and kills those standing in his way and with his pillage returns back home with a happy smile. I guess the logic behind declaring a war is simple: in order for you to survive you need to make sure the predator doesn't wander near you . Thus, the prey turns predator. As I said, the losses that entail are not in consideration here.

We all know that there is no end to our wishes and desires. As a result, I don't see an end to this activity of war. Led by a few beautiful, beauty pageant contestants, a billion people shout " I want WORLD PEACE" even as we are on the brink of another War. If only the leaders of the world were a part of these billion. Sigh!

Another decision... really?

They say the only thing constant in life is change. With every change arises the need for a decision.

This is probably one of those things we do all the time without realization, just like blinking of an eye lid. From what to wear in the morning to choice for dinner, every moment of the day requires some sort of a decision from us. Those of you who are thinking "What are you talking about, I don't think so much. I just pick up the first thing in my cupboard and wear it. For dinner, I go to my regular restaurant and order my regular dish. You are wrong there Missy!!", I would like to tell you - you are wrong. You have taken a decision to follow a pattern, which you once decided upon. I decided upon the title of this post, trying to get an easy way out of taking a decision about the title! (crooked and complex!!)

And yes, not one or two, but all these decisions matter - some seemingly less than the others and some appearing inconsequential. One of the biggest decision facing me right now, I guess, is what be the next career move. Like so many others and unlike so many of you, I enjoy everything I do. Hence a whole lot of confusion ensued. I guess finally I am reaching somewhere, or at least I am hoping I will, after extensive brainstorming for the past few months.

Even with all the options open in front of me, it shouldn't have been that difficult to come to a decision. One way out would have been asking my parents to tell me. This is exactly what I did. But they refused to tell me what to do with my life, which is only fair, but ended up making me more unsure than ever. What made matters worse for me during these past months was that, for sometime, I had stopped listening to myself. I was taking the opinion of every Tom, Dick and Harry and in the process getting more and more confused. Family and friends were influencing me more than my liking. Surprisingly, when you are unsure about what to do, others can very easily influence you. If you lack clarity of thought, others just cloud your thoughts further. It might happen that you end up taking the right decision under the influence, but I believe every individual should be responsible for all her/his decisions - right or wrong. Thus, I had to block out everyone from my mind, parents, friends and surroundings - and think for myself, myself. It might sound dramatic but the truth is that I got a singular vision of what I wanted once I put my heart and my mind together.

The power and influence of a decision is felt especially when your life drifts in the wrong direction. This is more so because you sit and take notice of what went wrong. One wrong move, one wrong statement, one unconsidered comment can land you in trouble.

आग का क्या है? पल भर में लगती है,
बुझते बुझते एक ज़माना लगता है|

This ghazal captures the essence so well. A foolish decision can put you in a mess, and sometimes even after desperate attempts you can't get out of it. Well, its not guaranteed that even after putting in a lot of thought you will always make the right decision. All that you can do is be content with it for now, believe that what you have done will lead only to better things and hope that you haven't made any mistakes. Even if you have, don't look back and blame yourself, just learn from that mistake and, if possible, not do it again. Making mistakes is inevitable. Even Sachin Tendulkar goes back to the pavilion scoring a duck.

Another thing that pertains to decision making is prejudice. As one of my friends pointed out, even small prejudices can influence your decisions. But how do you rid yourself of the prejudices, which are harbored in our minds as important considerations and parameters? These bench marks vary from person to person, and I believe (may be I am prejudiced here!) are vital for human thought and perception. So ridding oneself of prejudices and developing a completely objective viewpoint is possible only in a utopian world. After all, human beings are 'programmed' to view things as 'whole' and not bits and pieces. For those of you who look for scientific angles in everything, a study of Gestalt's cognitive rules might turn out to be interesting.

From my understanding, these prejudices arise out of the experiences one has had in one's surroundings. We all, in various ways, are affected by our environment. Thus, our thinking and solutions, for the same problems, too differ. Likewise what we gauge and gain in understanding from the situation is different. This drastic difference in worldly view makes us take different decision. What I think will be good, might not be the best thing according to you. But that is what makes our individuality, and that is what makes us two different people. If you could understand everything that influences my decisions, or that goes on in my head, we would be at the same pedestal - taking the same decision.

And wouldn't that be just too boring??

My Inspiration...

few questions, fewer answers
little victories, small defeats
ups, not without downs
today goes
in the struggle for tomorrow

some random thoughts-
concerns and musings,
can it be better? will it be?
today goes
wondering about tomorrow

a bit seems a lot
then, a lot too disappoints
sometimes, things do turn around
but, today goes
in search of an even better tomorrow.

coz it doesn't matter
whatever happens today
the search will never end
soon a new morning will come
will be doing the same, again,
day after day.

for it is, and will be -
just another day


One of my friends had asked me why I named my blog 'just another day'. This poem is the reason... I came across it, the irony and sadness struck me...and thus the blog was named...

Wish to Live or Live to Wish

You don't need a crystal ball to look in to your future... future is now...and now is present...make sure you live the present or else you'll regret it

Most of us are so busy planning for future that we forget to live the present... and when this carefully planned 'future' arrives in the form of 'today', we forget to enjoy it. In what has become our routine, we crib about what we are missing out on (well I do that too often!) and tend to ignore the joys surrounding us.

Take time out to catch up with an old friend U have been promising to call for some time now. Don't just run to them when U need them. Sit and watch the beautiful sky turn blue to pink and then red. Marvel at the brilliance of the stars, this universe- in which U are a speck of dust. Laugh so hard your sides ache, tears roll down your cheeks, your stomach hurts and people think U are crazy...
I realized how much energy and time I was wasting 'looking' and 'hoping' for something better... I have a lot more than I usually acknowledge... and I want to learn to enjoy ALL of it. If U already live for present... U are my idol. U have a lot and whatever comes U'r way you'll only enjoy it. But, if U live only in the hope of future... I suggest U do some thinking and learning too.

of luck and fate

It is difficult to count the number of times I have been 'blessed' with something I never wanted in the first place. Big or small- things have happened in a way I never wanted them to happen. There are others who want to trade places with me, exchange my fortunes and I don't decline- just that it is not possible.
And then, what I do want, doesn't happen either. The 'blessings' aren't showered when I want. What is the point in getting something I don't want? I don't get any pleasure from it, and someone else is denied his/her happiness.

Is it bad luck as I have believed till recently? or is it a mere coincidence? or do I attract all the wrong things and repel the right ones?

I am still wondering...