Friday, July 2, 2010

Too Big For His Baby Shoes!

We all change with time, and the oft asked question is if the change was for the better. The change has to be for the better because its the quality of life that matters, not its length. A lily blooms and makes this world a better place just to wither away as the day fades. But the important thing is that during those hours of sunlight, it brings a shine in the eyes of so many passers-by.

Thats what my normal posts sound like - philosophical and questioning. I might have pointed you guys to a poem by Benjamin Johnson about aging right too. But I am not in that mood today. I am not going to ask you what defines "better"  like I usually do. This post is more of a confession note. I am planning on rambling on as long as I can write sanely.

I always thought that I gave people space to grow, accepted them for what they were and grew with them. But apparently thats not true. And what made me realize that I was living in my dream world -my kid brother! I know its not appropriate to call him a "kid" anymore and he is probably going to kill me for doing this. But as I told you, till recently I was in a different world and I am trying my level best to stay in that world. 

In that sweet and perfect world, he was still a kid I could wrestle with (and probably bruise him badly!), pester him, teach him things (obviously I know more than him!), kiss and hug him without embarrassing him, flaunt all the "grown up" things I got to do, show off sitting behind the wheel and narrate "cool" stories about hostel and college life. Shouting and yelling at him was my birth right!

Alas! I can't do that anymore. No Sir, I cannot! I was informed of this by a piece of writing that emanated from his head. As years passed by, I saw him grow in inches (both vertically and physically!), but ignored it. This piece of paper, and the ink on it, was surprisingly difficult to ignore though. The words reflected the dilemma of a starry-eyed teenager trying to get understand life. He probably (still!) believes that good things always happen to good people and that world is his stage. But what do I know, I still have the image of a three year old boy playing jig-saw stuck in my head! The young man who stays in my house, with my parents is just a doppelganger of my cute, little baby brother, who had the sweetest smile and was so shy to even utter a word!

And that is where I stood five years back, and that is where he is positioned now. At that time I thought I was all grown-up and ready to experience life, and I guess so is he now. I haven't spent much time with him for the past five years, and I truly regret that. After all, I lost those last few chances when I could have beaten the living crap out of him (Yes! I totally could have!). I haven't seen him in the past one year, and he stands taller than me right now. I don't want to enter a fight with him now - god knows if I'll come out of it in a one piece!

Gone are those days I could sell my BS as knowledge (I have done that far too many times!). Oh and I need to think of cooler nicknames for him - the old ones are going to be far too embarrassing. On second thought, I should do that just to see the look on his face (and that on his friends's faces *chuckle*). I could probably still yell at him, my high-pitched shrieks drowning his deep croaks! And now that he is entering that golden period, the most fun age, I only wonder how he is going to change. Four years of college changed me in a big way. I still have to decide if I was better off earlier. But that doesn't change the way I feel right now. I dread to see the man that comes out at the end of this period. And yet I am anxious to see that guy, to see what he will make of himself, and all that life will present him with. 

But come on, how bad can it be? Hopefully he'll have great friends beside him in this journey, the same way I did, to paint the town red. All the best kiddo - surprise me once again!


Veyron said...

absolutely, i know exactly how u feel. i left home when i was 15 years old, and my bro was 12. he was alwez the cutest kid to me, with his bulging cheeks and cute nose. my leaving had a profound effect on him - he started concentrating on sports and music and arts and finally ended up getting a scholarship to singapore for four years!! my own baby brother!! i still rmbr when ii used to ealk him to his bus, play with him on the bed with our g.i.joe and hotwheels, and teach him football and whatnot. he was the smallest kid in our group of friends, and i alwez used to pick him first in my team (even tho i knew he cudnt play for nuts). and all of a sudden now he is abt to turn 18!!! i just cant believe it!! i missed 6 years !! and more, now dat i m planning to go abroad fact trying to get his BS and my MS at the same coll...but will this schism ever heal?

Tanaya said...

sweet one :)
i know what u r feeling.. even i miss being there the last 5 years while my sis has grown up to be a big girl.. somehow i have a feeling that our kiddos will do better than us :)

Nalini Kumar said...

@Veyron: Its not as severe as schism (at least I hope so!) I guess its about finding time to connect ... but it sure is difficult! Hope it works our for you and your brother... though same institution... uhm... i would rather not have that ;)
@Tanu: I sincerely hope they do... and your name came to my find when I was writing this one... knew you would be one of those who'd understand :)

Rohit said...

Elder sisters will always remain elder sisters. My sis and I are practically like twins - she's just a year elder to me. But yet she behaves like my mom - do this, don't eat that, 'what are you wearing!?'. Growing up is a part of life. But however old Tadbhagya grows you'll still be his didi.:-D

BTW, I think you can kick anyone's butt, however big they are!

Nalini Kumar said...

@rohit: Yes, sisters will be sisters :D redundancy dude!
I know I will always be his sister, but I sometimes feel that I have missed out on a lot of stuff. Thats it.
And thanks for the reassurance that I can kick anyones ass! You better watch out :D

KK said...

can i copy this post? will you sue me for copyright infringement? or something? or WORSE? beat me up? :P

a very amazing post!

Nalini Kumar said...

@kk: hah, so you too feel the same way... the words on the blog are the mess in my head.. feel free to copy all of it :)

KK said...

yeah, mera bhai also at the same stage in life as your bhai :D :-)