Destiny's Child

It was one of those fall days, the time of the year when the chill in the gentle breeze, as it touches the skin, makes you shiver. At the same time the golden rays of the October sun hit your face and take away the cold, leaving behind a feeling of warmth that soon settles down deep in your heart. It has this amazing effect of uplifting your mood. The only side effects of this otherwise perfect weather is a sudden lack of concentration and an uncontrollable smile on your face.

As he made his way to his destination on that morning, he decided to walk a route he had never taken before. For the past twenty years, day after day, he had walked the same dusty road. He could walk the road blindfolded and avoid all the potholes. A hundred people took that road everyday and yet no one had bothered to repair those ditches. Over the years, he had become friends with many a passers-by, people he would greet with a smile each morning and evening. Maybe it was these familiar faces - making the present feel easy and secure or those sweet childhood memories of running down the road with his dad - a way of keeping the past alive, that prevented him from walking a different road. Whatever it was, he had never had a  reason to change his course.

Only today did a thought tinker in his head - he wanted to stray away from his usual course. A road took off from the one he walked everyday. There was no particular reason why he had stayed away from this path. It was one of those many things in your life you don't think about. In his head, that road just wasn't meant to be taken everyday, and maybe thats why it looked so appealing this Saturday morning. It seemed to lead in a different direction, and he wasn't sure how many people strayed that way. He had no idea where it lead, but even in this age of technology he didn't want to track his course. He wanted it to be a surprise, the adventurer in him suddenly wide awake. He wanted to explore the trail, lined on both sides with trees that seemed to reach the sky. Moreover, it was difficult to deny the invitation of those fiery red hues on the ground.

Mind made up, he changed his course and as he stepped on the ground, the crunch of the leaves beneath his foot broke into his heart. He could feel the layers peeling off. The morning haze at a distance prevented him from seeing far into the distance. But he didn't mind, there was a lot to survey in his proximity. Every sense in his lean body was indulged in taking in the surroundings and his heart was busy assimilating it.

No artist could have ever done justice to the brilliant colors in the trees. Sun rays were trying to break through the canopy above him, lighting up the path golden. He would have the image in his mind forever. Something about the place made him feel cozy and at peace. The restlessness of his everyday life had lifted. He did not realize when his walk turned into a jog. He looked from side to side, something exciting him no end, and yet his eyes could only see the never ending lines of trees.  As he walked on his heart beat started rising, as if he was onto discovering something big. With the pounding in his heart in sync with his footsteps, he started running. There was no knowing where he was headed, how long the road was and what might stop him in his way. He just ran, without any care. He knew if this was to the end now, even if he never ran again, he would be a content man. The untouched leaves told him he was the first one this season to take this road, and he was grinning from ear to ear. He just ran, and ran, and ran.

The smile on his face was still intact when he reached his destination. And all he did was kneel down on the dewy grass and cry.

Too Big For His Baby Shoes!

We all change with time, and the oft asked question is if the change was for the better. The change has to be for the better because its the quality of life that matters, not its length. A lily blooms and makes this world a better place just to wither away as the day fades. But the important thing is that during those hours of sunlight, it brings a shine in the eyes of so many passers-by.

Thats what my normal posts sound like - philosophical and questioning. I might have pointed you guys to a poem by Benjamin Johnson about aging right too. But I am not in that mood today. I am not going to ask you what defines "better"  like I usually do. This post is more of a confession note. I am planning on rambling on as long as I can write sanely.

I always thought that I gave people space to grow, accepted them for what they were and grew with them. But apparently thats not true. And what made me realize that I was living in my dream world -my kid brother! I know its not appropriate to call him a "kid" anymore and he is probably going to kill me for doing this. But as I told you, till recently I was in a different world and I am trying my level best to stay in that world. 

In that sweet and perfect world, he was still a kid I could wrestle with (and probably bruise him badly!), pester him, teach him things (obviously I know more than him!), kiss and hug him without embarrassing him, flaunt all the "grown up" things I got to do, show off sitting behind the wheel and narrate "cool" stories about hostel and college life. Shouting and yelling at him was my birth right!

Alas! I can't do that anymore. No Sir, I cannot! I was informed of this by a piece of writing that emanated from his head. As years passed by, I saw him grow in inches (both vertically and physically!), but ignored it. This piece of paper, and the ink on it, was surprisingly difficult to ignore though. The words reflected the dilemma of a starry-eyed teenager trying to get understand life. He probably (still!) believes that good things always happen to good people and that world is his stage. But what do I know, I still have the image of a three year old boy playing jig-saw stuck in my head! The young man who stays in my house, with my parents is just a doppelganger of my cute, little baby brother, who had the sweetest smile and was so shy to even utter a word!

And that is where I stood five years back, and that is where he is positioned now. At that time I thought I was all grown-up and ready to experience life, and I guess so is he now. I haven't spent much time with him for the past five years, and I truly regret that. After all, I lost those last few chances when I could have beaten the living crap out of him (Yes! I totally could have!). I haven't seen him in the past one year, and he stands taller than me right now. I don't want to enter a fight with him now - god knows if I'll come out of it in a one piece!


Gone are those days I could sell my BS as knowledge (I have done that far too many times!). Oh and I need to think of cooler nicknames for him - the old ones are going to be far too embarrassing. On second thought, I should do that just to see the look on his face (and that on his friends's faces *chuckle*). I could probably still yell at him, my high-pitched shrieks drowning his deep croaks! And now that he is entering that golden period, the most fun age, I only wonder how he is going to change. Four years of college changed me in a big way. I still have to decide if I was better off earlier. But that doesn't change the way I feel right now. I dread to see the man that comes out at the end of this period. And yet I am anxious to see that guy, to see what he will make of himself, and all that life will present him with. 

But come on, how bad can it be? Hopefully he'll have great friends beside him in this journey, the same way I did, to paint the town red. All the best kiddo - surprise me once again!

Center and Focus

Earth revolves around the sun. The moon revolves around the earth and in the process revolves around the sun. But I am not on a quest to prove that I am smarter than a fifth grader. I am here to wonder aloud, yet again.

Do you ever feel that you are taking one step forward and two steps back? I feel that often, that is if I am going anywhere at all. And most of the time, I am just moving in circles. Talking about feelings, I feel we all move in circles. There is a center to our lives which is often fixed by us, and sometimes by our circumstances. But by no means would I say that these centers are fixed. They change - sometimes in a moment and sometimes it takes forever.

As a kid our world is centered around all those fun things that our parents wouldn't allow us to do. We have your crayons, our Lego blocks, our dolls, our miniature cars, our video games and our cartoon network to worry about. Every day, every hour and every wish involves these treasures. Goals and accomplishments are defined in terms of these baubles. Each laugh and each cry is the result of our accomplishments and how much closer we are to our goals.

I call them baubles now because they don't hold the same value anymore. The center of my world has shifted. It has been through many changes actually. I have heard (can't cite my experiences here since I don't have any!) that it does happen to everyone. The center moves, from parents to friends, to work, to bikes and cars and a home, to the person you build a home with, to kids, to travel and so on. Do you think we can have more than one? Or would that be a blunder? Am I wrong in calling it a center when it is just one of the focus. Could my life be an ellipse and not a circle? I am trying to find the answer, figure out where I am centered or focused right now.